Part 2

After six hours of active labor..and an hour and a half of pushing.. my beautiful baby boy was born. It was just me and mom (with the doctor and nurses) to welcome him at 6:01 am. He weighed 7lbs 1.5 ounces and was 20.5 inches long. He let out the loudest wail after Mom cut the cord.. and as the nurse carried him over to the warmer.. he peed on her. LOL! I should have known then that he was gonna be a handful! Mom went out in the waiting room to call my Dad.. and he was already at the hospital waiting. She called him at 4am right before I started to push to give him an update..and he couldn't go back to sleep. So he sat there for 2 hours waiting for me. It was the most amazing moment of my life.

Wordless Wednesday Part II

Wordless Wednesday

The day God called you home..

God looked around his Garden and found an empty place.
He then looked down upon his earth and saw your loving face.

He put his arms around you and lifted you to rest.
His Garden must be beautiful, he always takes the best.

He knew that you were suffering, he knew you were in pain.
And knew that you would never get well on earth again.

He saw your path was difficult, he closed you tired eyes,
He whispered to you "Peace be Thine" and gave you wings to fly.

When we saw you sleeping so calm and free of pain,
We would not wish you back to earth to suffer once again.

You've left us precious memories, your love will be our guide,
You live on through your children, you're always by our side.

It broke our hearts to lose you, but you did not go alone.
For part of us went with you on the day God called you home

We Remember Them

From the Gates of Repentance
New Union Prayer Book for the Days of Awe
Author Unknown

At the rising of the sun and at its going down,
We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of Winter, We remember them.

At the opening of buds and in the rebirth of Spring,
We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of Summer,
We remember them.

At the rustling of leaves and the beauty of Autumn,
We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends,
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live;
for they are now a part of us, as we remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength,
We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart,
We remember them.

When we have joys we yearn to share,
We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make,
We remember them

When we have achievements that are based on theirs,
We remember them.

As long as we live, they too shall live,
for they are a part of us, as we remember them.

A Golden Heart

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come to Me".
With tearful eyes we watched you,
as we saw you pass away.
Although we loved you deeply,
we could not make you stay.
Your Golden Heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.


Copyright © 1997 Therese Williamson

I heard the angel say..

I thought I saw your face today,
in the sparkle of the morning sun.
And then I heard the angel say,
"Their work on earth is done."

I thought I heard your voice today,
then laugh your hearty laugh.
And then I heard the angel say,
"There's peace dear one at last."

I thought I felt your touch today,
in the breeze that rustled by.
And then I heard the angel say,
"The spirit never dies."

I thought I saw my broken heart,
in the crescent of the moon.
And then I heard the angel say,
"The Lord is coming soon."

I thought that you had left me,
for the stars so far above.
And then I heard the angel say,
"They left you with their love."

I thought that I would miss you so,
and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say,
"They're with you every day."
"The sun, the wind, the moon, the stars,
will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared,
and the peace they've finally found.

Bobbi Davis

The 3rd Year

~ By the 3rd year after losing a loved one, you’re busy with your life. You don’t cry much. Things seem okay, but then you remember: They’re gone. They’re still really gone. It’s like getting the punch line to a very bad joke, over and over.

http://www.looseleafnotes.com/notes/2005/06/losing_a_loved_one.html

Thinking about Dad

I'm not that into poetry most of the time.. but I'm feeling a bit sentimental. The 3 year anniversary of my father's passing is coming up on May 7th. Everyday until then..I am going to post a poem, quote, or something to help me get through this.

I never felt I had the time to mourn when he passed. I had a 6 month old and a distraught mother to take care of. I still don't have the time to mourn now..but I need to get this out in any way I can. Maybe then it won't be so haunting.

Finding my daddy lying in bed that way was horrid. Absolutely horrible. It is something I never wish on anyone..period. For a passing second, I thought he was just sleeping quietly. I shook him, begged, pleaded with him to please wake up while mom screamed in the background. I left for a moment to find a phone to call 911. Attempted to do CPR..the whole nine yards. I thought it was working once. I thought I heard a breath and a gargle, but it wasn't. He was already so gone. I blamed myself for over a year. Maybe if I had been better at CPR or if I had done the chest compressions just right, it would have worked. Maybe if I had grabbed the phone and called 911 first thing instead of trying to wake him up, they could have saved him.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But dammit why does He think *I* could do that?! For months, I was too scared to let my infant son or my mother sleep a full nap/night without waking them up to make sure they didn't die. I would sit awake all night and torture myself with the thought that he didn't die instantly, that maybe for a split second he KNEW. He and I both are bi-polar and suffer from anxiety. I could and still do imagine that what that last minute was like, how scared he must have been. What if he tried to call out but couldn't speak? What if he called out, but was so weak that we didn't hear him? What if he thought we were ignoring him and left him to die? I can't voice these thoughts to my family or even my closest friends. So finally, almost 3 years later I am finding my voice.

I'm going to try to post a picture of a picture too. It's of Dad, me, Misty and Mom..circa 1984 I believe.