Thinking about Dad

I'm not that into poetry most of the time.. but I'm feeling a bit sentimental. The 3 year anniversary of my father's passing is coming up on May 7th. Everyday until then..I am going to post a poem, quote, or something to help me get through this.

I never felt I had the time to mourn when he passed. I had a 6 month old and a distraught mother to take care of. I still don't have the time to mourn now..but I need to get this out in any way I can. Maybe then it won't be so haunting.

Finding my daddy lying in bed that way was horrid. Absolutely horrible. It is something I never wish on anyone..period. For a passing second, I thought he was just sleeping quietly. I shook him, begged, pleaded with him to please wake up while mom screamed in the background. I left for a moment to find a phone to call 911. Attempted to do CPR..the whole nine yards. I thought it was working once. I thought I heard a breath and a gargle, but it wasn't. He was already so gone. I blamed myself for over a year. Maybe if I had been better at CPR or if I had done the chest compressions just right, it would have worked. Maybe if I had grabbed the phone and called 911 first thing instead of trying to wake him up, they could have saved him.

They say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But dammit why does He think *I* could do that?! For months, I was too scared to let my infant son or my mother sleep a full nap/night without waking them up to make sure they didn't die. I would sit awake all night and torture myself with the thought that he didn't die instantly, that maybe for a split second he KNEW. He and I both are bi-polar and suffer from anxiety. I could and still do imagine that what that last minute was like, how scared he must have been. What if he tried to call out but couldn't speak? What if he called out, but was so weak that we didn't hear him? What if he thought we were ignoring him and left him to die? I can't voice these thoughts to my family or even my closest friends. So finally, almost 3 years later I am finding my voice.

I'm going to try to post a picture of a picture too. It's of Dad, me, Misty and Mom..circa 1984 I believe.