I thought I saw your face today,
in the sparkle of the morning sun.
And then I heard the angel say,
"Their work on earth is done."
I thought I heard your voice today,
then laugh your hearty laugh.
And then I heard the angel say,
"There's peace dear one at last."
I thought I felt your touch today,
in the breeze that rustled by.
And then I heard the angel say,
"The spirit never dies."
I thought I saw my broken heart,
in the crescent of the moon.
And then I heard the angel say,
"The Lord is coming soon."
I thought that you had left me,
for the stars so far above.
And then I heard the angel say,
"They left you with their love."
I thought that I would miss you so,
and never find my way.
And then I heard the angel say,
"They're with you every day."
"The sun, the wind, the moon, the stars,
will forever be around,
reminding you of the love you shared,
and the peace they've finally found.
Bobbi Davis
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
The 3rd Year
~ By the 3rd year after losing a loved one, you’re busy with your life. You don’t cry much. Things seem okay, but then you remember: They’re gone. They’re still really gone. It’s like getting the punch line to a very bad joke, over and over.
http://www.looseleafnotes.com/notes/2005/06/losing_a_loved_one.html
http://www.looseleafnotes.com/notes/2005/06/losing_a_loved_one.html
Thinking about Dad
I'm not that into poetry most of the time.. but I'm feeling a bit sentimental. The 3 year anniversary of my father's passing is coming up on May 7th. Everyday until then..I am going to post a poem, quote, or something to help me get through this.
I never felt I had the time to mourn when he passed. I had a 6 month old and a distraught mother to take care of. I still don't have the time to mourn now..but I need to get this out in any way I can. Maybe then it won't be so haunting.
Finding my daddy lying in bed that way was horrid. Absolutely horrible. It is something I never wish on anyone..period. For a passing second, I thought he was just sleeping quietly. I shook him, begged, pleaded with him to please wake up while mom screamed in the background. I left for a moment to find a phone to call 911. Attempted to do CPR..the whole nine yards. I thought it was working once. I thought I heard a breath and a gargle, but it wasn't. He was already so gone. I blamed myself for over a year. Maybe if I had been better at CPR or if I had done the chest compressions just right, it would have worked. Maybe if I had grabbed the phone and called 911 first thing instead of trying to wake him up, they could have saved him.
They say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But dammit why does He think *I* could do that?! For months, I was too scared to let my infant son or my mother sleep a full nap/night without waking them up to make sure they didn't die. I would sit awake all night and torture myself with the thought that he didn't die instantly, that maybe for a split second he KNEW. He and I both are bi-polar and suffer from anxiety. I could and still do imagine that what that last minute was like, how scared he must have been. What if he tried to call out but couldn't speak? What if he called out, but was so weak that we didn't hear him? What if he thought we were ignoring him and left him to die? I can't voice these thoughts to my family or even my closest friends. So finally, almost 3 years later I am finding my voice.
I'm going to try to post a picture of a picture too. It's of Dad, me, Misty and Mom..circa 1984 I believe.
I never felt I had the time to mourn when he passed. I had a 6 month old and a distraught mother to take care of. I still don't have the time to mourn now..but I need to get this out in any way I can. Maybe then it won't be so haunting.
Finding my daddy lying in bed that way was horrid. Absolutely horrible. It is something I never wish on anyone..period. For a passing second, I thought he was just sleeping quietly. I shook him, begged, pleaded with him to please wake up while mom screamed in the background. I left for a moment to find a phone to call 911. Attempted to do CPR..the whole nine yards. I thought it was working once. I thought I heard a breath and a gargle, but it wasn't. He was already so gone. I blamed myself for over a year. Maybe if I had been better at CPR or if I had done the chest compressions just right, it would have worked. Maybe if I had grabbed the phone and called 911 first thing instead of trying to wake him up, they could have saved him.
They say that God never gives you more than you can handle. But dammit why does He think *I* could do that?! For months, I was too scared to let my infant son or my mother sleep a full nap/night without waking them up to make sure they didn't die. I would sit awake all night and torture myself with the thought that he didn't die instantly, that maybe for a split second he KNEW. He and I both are bi-polar and suffer from anxiety. I could and still do imagine that what that last minute was like, how scared he must have been. What if he tried to call out but couldn't speak? What if he called out, but was so weak that we didn't hear him? What if he thought we were ignoring him and left him to die? I can't voice these thoughts to my family or even my closest friends. So finally, almost 3 years later I am finding my voice.
I'm going to try to post a picture of a picture too. It's of Dad, me, Misty and Mom..circa 1984 I believe.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
About Me..random things
I'm the lucky mom to my messy rowdy boy.
He's 3..will be 4 in November.
He's the reason I can wake up in the morning.
I'm 29..which is the new 22. haha
I dread turning the big 3-0.
Hopefully I will be too drunk to remember it.
I have the most awesome friends.
They love me inspite of my moods.
I go thru antisocial moments.
Eventually, they go away.
I love to read.
I love Mckay's and Barnes and Noble.
I have a blog other than Myspace.
I try to write on it often.
I twitter too.
My family used to be very close and crazy in a good way.
Then my father passed and things went to hell in a handbasket.
He was the glue that held us together.
He will be gone 3 years on May 7th.
The pain of losing him never fades.
I doubt it ever will.
I have many sisters and 1 brother.
I talk to one sister often.
I talk to another when she will answer her damn phone. ;-)
..the other.. well.. the only good she has done is give me 3 fabulous nephews.
My mom rocks.
I like to play guitar hero.
Dalton likes to play too.
He says that he and I are ROCKSTARS.
I love Grey's Anatomy.
I only recently started watching Scrubs.
It's funny as hell.
I love General Hospital.
I get pissy that I have to miss it to work sometimes.
I need to get a DVR..my "Tivo" isn't working.
I once called TIVO and went off on the customer service lady.
My machine wasnt working and she said we didn't have an account.
After 30 minutes of arguing and me telling her to get her head out of her ass..
I looked at my TIVO and realized it wasn't a TIVO afterall.
It was from REPLAY TV.
I hung up on the lady and laughed
ALOT
I hate actually flipping channels.
I usually just end up watching the TV Guide Preview Channel.
Yes I'm a dork.
He's 3..will be 4 in November.
He's the reason I can wake up in the morning.
I'm 29..which is the new 22. haha
I dread turning the big 3-0.
Hopefully I will be too drunk to remember it.
I have the most awesome friends.
They love me inspite of my moods.
I go thru antisocial moments.
Eventually, they go away.
I love to read.
I love Mckay's and Barnes and Noble.
I have a blog other than Myspace.
I try to write on it often.
I twitter too.
My family used to be very close and crazy in a good way.
Then my father passed and things went to hell in a handbasket.
He was the glue that held us together.
He will be gone 3 years on May 7th.
The pain of losing him never fades.
I doubt it ever will.
I have many sisters and 1 brother.
I talk to one sister often.
I talk to another when she will answer her damn phone. ;-)
..the other.. well.. the only good she has done is give me 3 fabulous nephews.
My mom rocks.
I like to play guitar hero.
Dalton likes to play too.
He says that he and I are ROCKSTARS.
I love Grey's Anatomy.
I only recently started watching Scrubs.
It's funny as hell.
I love General Hospital.
I get pissy that I have to miss it to work sometimes.
I need to get a DVR..my "Tivo" isn't working.
I once called TIVO and went off on the customer service lady.
My machine wasnt working and she said we didn't have an account.
After 30 minutes of arguing and me telling her to get her head out of her ass..
I looked at my TIVO and realized it wasn't a TIVO afterall.
It was from REPLAY TV.
I hung up on the lady and laughed
ALOT
I hate actually flipping channels.
I usually just end up watching the TV Guide Preview Channel.
Yes I'm a dork.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Stolen from my Myspace blog..
(I took this from a friends blog and had to share)
This advice was passed along to me from a friend who got it from a website who got it from a counselor; it was great to hear so I wanted to share it.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about
baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists
of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're
always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies.
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.
This advice was passed along to me from a friend who got it from a website who got it from a counselor; it was great to hear so I wanted to share it.
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve
then heck no, you can't "be friends."
A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself
a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.
If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has
more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.
All men are not dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about
baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists
of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary.
Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you're
always readily available to him—he takes it for granted.
Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.
Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
Share this with other ladies.
You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate
them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Daltonism
Dalton and I were sitting on the couch tonight chatting.
Me: How much does mommy love you?
Dalton: Green
Me: *laughing* silly boy.. How many does mommy love you?
D: Bunches
M: Thats right. What about Mam? How many does Mam love you?
D: Bunches
M: thats right..but who loves you most of all?
*silence*
Dalton: Nanny does!
With my bubble burst, I said I'm sure she does..but you are MY baby. lol
Me: How much does mommy love you?
Dalton: Green
Me: *laughing* silly boy.. How many does mommy love you?
D: Bunches
M: Thats right. What about Mam? How many does Mam love you?
D: Bunches
M: thats right..but who loves you most of all?
*silence*
Dalton: Nanny does!
With my bubble burst, I said I'm sure she does..but you are MY baby. lol
Thursday, April 10, 2008
All my cards are on the table with no ace left in the hole
.. I'm much too young to feel this damn old..
Getting old sucks. Let me rephrase that..getting old while being fat sucks. lol
I got up this morning..got ready for work..realized..oh hell i feel like shit. So I took my blood pressure and about fainted.
189/139
Greeeeeeeat. So I took my meds..and laid down on the couch to chill for a few. Took it again..it was still high..but not nearly as bad.
I will admit..I was scared.
---------
Dalton had a wee ball scrimmage on Tuesday night. Very cute..
He got his shirt and hat too. He did well at first, then towards the middle just wanted to play in the dirt..sooo tempting for a 3 year old! It was really late though..the scrimmage started at 7pm. Crazy.. His first real game is on Saturday at noon. A friend (hint hint) is coming and going to take pics for me..she rocks!
----------
Seems like the sperm donor has lost interest again. He lasted longer than usual this time. Almost 2 months of contact is a record for him. I called him on Monday to let him know about the scrimmage and game. No answer..so I left a voicemail. On the way to the ball park, Dalton asked, "Mommy, will my dad be there?" So I called him again and no answer. So nope ..no show. Asswipe... I haven't called him again..trying to behave and keep the b/p down. I don't know what his deal is..but dammit either be a part of MY son's life or stay the fuck away. You can't have both!
-----------
A few months back at Target I bought the Yoga Booty Ballet system. I had seen the infomercials quite a bit and thought it looked fun. Well as fun as exercising can be.. I finally opened it last night.. Didn't actually do it..but I did look through the materials. :-) Tonight I will attempt it..
Getting old sucks. Let me rephrase that..getting old while being fat sucks. lol
I got up this morning..got ready for work..realized..oh hell i feel like shit. So I took my blood pressure and about fainted.
189/139
Greeeeeeeat. So I took my meds..and laid down on the couch to chill for a few. Took it again..it was still high..but not nearly as bad.
I will admit..I was scared.
---------
Dalton had a wee ball scrimmage on Tuesday night. Very cute..
He got his shirt and hat too. He did well at first, then towards the middle just wanted to play in the dirt..sooo tempting for a 3 year old! It was really late though..the scrimmage started at 7pm. Crazy.. His first real game is on Saturday at noon. A friend (hint hint) is coming and going to take pics for me..she rocks!
----------
Seems like the sperm donor has lost interest again. He lasted longer than usual this time. Almost 2 months of contact is a record for him. I called him on Monday to let him know about the scrimmage and game. No answer..so I left a voicemail. On the way to the ball park, Dalton asked, "Mommy, will my dad be there?" So I called him again and no answer. So nope ..no show. Asswipe... I haven't called him again..trying to behave and keep the b/p down. I don't know what his deal is..but dammit either be a part of MY son's life or stay the fuck away. You can't have both!
-----------
A few months back at Target I bought the Yoga Booty Ballet system. I had seen the infomercials quite a bit and thought it looked fun. Well as fun as exercising can be.. I finally opened it last night.. Didn't actually do it..but I did look through the materials. :-) Tonight I will attempt it..
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Sweet Dreams are made of this...
I'm a dork..we all know that..and some of you love me inspite of this. haha
Ok..so I've been having some messed up dreams lately.
The other night, I dreamed I was pregnant. I went into labor on August 3rd and gave birth to not 1 but 3 babies! I was shocked!! No one, doctors included realized their were 3 babies. So, in that moment I became the mother to 4! I cried..I can barely be a parent to 1 child..let alone 4!! I had 2 boys and 1 girl. Kaia Jane, Dylan Ferguson, and Noah (I forget what his middle name was).
Fast forward a night or two..
I was at work..and a co-worker was scared to take a pregnancy test. So I told her..buy a 2 pack..I'll take one with you. I thought it funny b/c I was on my period and there would be NO way it could be positive. Hers was instantly negative and mine was instantly positive. I was shocked..I hadn't missed a period in a YEAR! So I made my appt with my ob. Yup, I was pregnant..so they did an ultrasound to see if they could date it. "Oh, look I see a boy! Oh goodness, another boy..same sac..Identical twins. They measure to be about 16 weeks" Ok..twins I can handle twins..and I can handle boys. lol Then, I hear.."Oh, there is another one..a girl! Ms. Brady you are having triplets" My one thought was at least this time around Lane Bryant carries a maternity line. lol So my pregnancy goes on..and they do a csection on..you guessed it..August 3rd. Dylan, Cooper, and Emma. Funny...huh?
I'm hoping my new meds are what is causing these dreams..
About a month or so ago..I was at work feeling like shit. My chest hurt and my arms were numb.. I thought I was dying. So, I stopped by my doctor's office. My blood pressure was 178/114. Lovely. I left there on blood pressure meds..obviously. (Making long story short) lol So..could this Lisinopril be messing with my dreams? The other dreams are too violent to blog about..so I don't know.
Ok..so I've been having some messed up dreams lately.
The other night, I dreamed I was pregnant. I went into labor on August 3rd and gave birth to not 1 but 3 babies! I was shocked!! No one, doctors included realized their were 3 babies. So, in that moment I became the mother to 4! I cried..I can barely be a parent to 1 child..let alone 4!! I had 2 boys and 1 girl. Kaia Jane, Dylan Ferguson, and Noah (I forget what his middle name was).
Fast forward a night or two..
I was at work..and a co-worker was scared to take a pregnancy test. So I told her..buy a 2 pack..I'll take one with you. I thought it funny b/c I was on my period and there would be NO way it could be positive. Hers was instantly negative and mine was instantly positive. I was shocked..I hadn't missed a period in a YEAR! So I made my appt with my ob. Yup, I was pregnant..so they did an ultrasound to see if they could date it. "Oh, look I see a boy! Oh goodness, another boy..same sac..Identical twins. They measure to be about 16 weeks" Ok..twins I can handle twins..and I can handle boys. lol Then, I hear.."Oh, there is another one..a girl! Ms. Brady you are having triplets" My one thought was at least this time around Lane Bryant carries a maternity line. lol So my pregnancy goes on..and they do a csection on..you guessed it..August 3rd. Dylan, Cooper, and Emma. Funny...huh?
I'm hoping my new meds are what is causing these dreams..
About a month or so ago..I was at work feeling like shit. My chest hurt and my arms were numb.. I thought I was dying. So, I stopped by my doctor's office. My blood pressure was 178/114. Lovely. I left there on blood pressure meds..obviously. (Making long story short) lol So..could this Lisinopril be messing with my dreams? The other dreams are too violent to blog about..so I don't know.
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